The drive home was even more awkward. He was mad, and when he gets mad he either doesn’t want to talk or things can get pretty intense.
“Why are you talking to him?”
“I don’t know”
“You don’t know?” “What are you doing?” “What have you been talking about?”
“Just stuff.” “I don’t know .” “Can we talk at home?”
Silence the rest of the way home.
I was feeling off. I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to get married anymore. This guy was saying all the right things to me. He even told me why he broke up with me when I was 16. He said he felt like I wanted kids way too early and he didn’t. Funny that had just had a baby 4 month ago. He had been single for some time now and I think me messaging him was some sort of comfort. Familiar. Safe.
I was so sure the grass was going to be greener. Tyler and I had just brought another human into the equation, he was working really hard to support us and I was struggling with post partum depression. We hadn’t been getting along very well so I wanted to jump ship.
Once we arrived home, I was able to tell Tyler that I needed a break. I wasn’t happy with how things were going. Anger filled him. He didn’t understand why. “I think things are fine!”
“I just need time.”
“What am I supposed to do?” “Pack my shit and go to my parents?”
We were still living with my family and they had no idea that we were falling apart. He packed some clothes, was denied a kiss from me, said bye to our baby and left.
I cried for a few nights. He would text me, trying to figure out what I wanted. I wasn’t giving him much. I’m not happy, I don’t want you right now.
Meanwhile making plans to go on a date with dusty.
I had to tell my mom, they still weren’t sure why he left. I told her that I didn’t feel happy and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get married. I told her I had been talking to an ex, she was concerned. “I think you still love Tyler.” “You should be taking some time for yourself, not talking to another guy.” That didn’t make me feel anything but frustration. It’s my life, I can do what I want. “You shouldn’t string Tyler along like this.”
I had to tell him we were broken up. Of course I was only able to text him, because I am terrible at conflict.
He called, I ignored it. Called again.
He’s crying. “I don’t want this.” “I love you, Shannon.”
“I need space.” “Bye.”
It was harsh, but I didn’t want to feel what he was feeling. I had my mind set on going on a date. I told Tyler he needed to get his things out of my room. He came with his mom a couple days later. I sat in the living room watching tv with our baby like nothing was wrong. He cried the whole time. I didn’t show emotion. All of his things were out, he came into the living room.
“Bye Kash.” “I love you, Shannon.” “Please don’t do this.”
“Please just go.”
I walked into my room, now feeling very empty. I cried. I love him. I just didn’t want to fight for us right now. I wanted to feel loved. I didn’t feel loved from him.
Plans for going on a date were starting to solidify. I was still texting Tyler occasionally, telling him about how Kash was, him still begging for me back. I would listen to a song almost every night called “Please” by Ludo. I would cry and cry, feeling very confused.
People starting to ask where Tyler was when I went to family gatherings. “He’s working.” I would lie. My uncle even asked how wedding plans were going and again I had to lie and tell him “fine.”
Only a select few knew what was really going on, and even knew that I had plans to go on a date with an ex. I think most people were very confused. To them every thing happened so sudden.
Days started to pass, and then weeks. Tyler was still talking to me and at this point I wasn’t being as harsh with him. I was starting to miss him. But in the back of my mind, I still wanted to test the waters with my ex. He was offering to buy me things, take me out, telling me how much he wants me back. I really felt wanted, and maybe that’s all I really needed in the first place.
A month passed and things were changing. Tyler had deleted all the pictures of us off of his Facebook page, and changed his relationship status to single. I did the same. Single felt like such an awful word. I had always been the very dependent type. Many boyfriends that I was so sure of.
I missed Tyler much more now. I didn’t know what to even say to him anymore. My ex wanted me but I wanted Tyler. My ex really wanted to see me. I wanted to see Tyler, to kiss him, hold him, hug him again. I felt stupid. Why did I put Tyler through this? What do I really want.
I started telling Tyler that I was confused. I wanted to see if being with my ex would change my mind. He suggested I go on a date with him and then we could talk.
My ex took me shopping, bought me some clothes he was hoping to see me in. We ate lunch and headed back to his house. Of course I had my baby with me and it felt weird. He was playing with him, trying to get him to smile and I just kept thinking about how wrong this felt. I was ready to leave after about 30 minutes.
I got into my car and my ex kissed me.
As I drove away I felt gross. This is NOT what I wanted. Why did I make this mess I’m in?
I cried the whole way home. As soon as I got home, I called Tyler. Asked him for forgiveness.
“I’m so sorry.” “I want you back, I need you back.”
To Be Continued…