A bit about me part 10

We kept our pregnancy quiet for a few weeks, I wasn’t sure why but I just didn’t feel like telling people yet. I took a picture of Kash to announce the news.

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I couldn’t tell you how excited I was to be having another baby. It didn’t feel as scary this time around. I was also determined to have a drug-free birth. I starting researching everything like crazy. I found some shocking information during my search.

Circumcision. We didn’t have to circumcise. That came as a big shocker to me and it brought along a LOT of guilt for my sweet Kash. We were so young and no one ever tells you there is another option, its just “what we do”. I watched videos of poor sweet newborns getting their most sensitive parts chopped off, I cried and I was angry. I showed my findings to Tyler and fortunately with no fighting from him we vowed to never to that to any of our children.

It wasn’t even on my radar since I was sure I was having a girl. I had a name picked out, I had tons of things on Pinterest that I was ready to use. I wanted a little girl since I was a little girl myself. I had names picked out since I was 12.

September 2012 we found out we were having a BOY! I was crushed. I cried in secret on the way home from the appointment. I was mad. I didn’t want another boy. I couldn’t even fathom how I was supposed to have another boy when I already had a perfect one. My disappointment didn’t go away like I was hoping it would. It lasted almost until the end of my pregnancy.

I couldn’t even think of any names, nothing was right. I didn’t like that I had to pick another boy name when I already had a girl one picked.

The weeks started to pass. Tyler got promoted to store manager. He was feeling really good about his job. I was getting more and more pregnant. I struggle with my emotions when I am not pregnant and when I am pregnant its about 100 times worse.

Tyler was going away on a business trip in December of 2012, one month before my due date. We had also moved back into my parents house(we ping ponged back and forth between our parents houses). I was feeling like I didn’t want him to go, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I joked that he should just tell them he can’t go, but he is a hard worker, so that was a no go.

Kash and I drove him to the airport, we said our “see you soons” and he was off. I insisted Kash sleep in bed with me so I wasn’t alone, he didn’t mind. I wasn’t really secure with myself at all through this time, I was very self-conscious and not just because I was pregnant. Of course there was another female coworker going on this trip with him, and of course they got along great. The first night was fine. The second night was decent. We would text and I would freak out if he didn’t text back in my own option of “quick enough”. Then he told me that they were having a late get together. At first I wasn’t thrown off, my brain works in interesting ways. Then he started slacking on texting back. Two minutes past, then five, and now thirteen.

What is he doing? My brain was really good at coming up with things he could be doing.

I had to call him.

“Hello?”

“What are you doing?” It was loud and I could hear lots of people chatting and laughing.

“We are just chatting.” He laughs at something someone says in the background.

“Why aren’t you texting me back?”

He’s barely paying attention to what I am saying and I am starting to get annoyed.

“I’ll text you, I’m sorry, I’m just talking to lots of people.”

“Never mind, I’m going to bed, bye.”

I hang up. I don’t want to talk to him. And yet I need to talk to him. Honestly he sounded drunk, so I had to know.

He text me, asking whats wrong. I asked him if he was drinking.

I only had a few he tells me. My heart drops, hands start to sweat. Why is he drinking? Why is he having a good time, without me? With HER? I’m mad. I had no idea there would be alcohol there. And just yesterday he was telling him how some of the higher up employees come to these things just to cheat on their spouses. That is not something you tell someone when you are away from them, especially when they are pregnant and insecure. Plus we all know that alcohol can affect you judgement. I don’t have a problem with him drinking, I just had no idea it would be a possibility and it caught me off guard so I freaked. 

Of course my brain went straight to him having an affair with this chick he’s with. All at once I was done. I picked a fit with him. Accused him of cheating on me. Things went south pretty quickly and just like that he said he didn’t want to come back to me.

To Be Continued…

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