This wasn’t the first time that I had brought up something while he was away. This wasn’t even the first time I have accused him of being unfaithful. There was a time when I was OBSESSED with the notion that he could be cheating on me. And the only thing I had to go off of was that I had found porn on his phone once.
I explained to him how I felt about it and he assured me he would stop, but that triggered something inside me that I couldn’t control. I would purposely stay up later than him just to check his phone. I would smell all of his items of clothing when I would do the laundry, just checking for the scent of another woman. I looked inside his car, thinking I might find a piece of someone else. He didn’t know I was doing this.
I wouldn’t even trust him when he would give me simple answers to things(I still struggle with this today). He was fed up, hurt and had a right to be. I was being irrational, but thats just how my brain works. I can even know that I am being irrational and yet I STILL do those things.
I stayed up way too late that night crying. I hated everything about myself, I usually do. When I get like that I usually think about dying. It would be so much easier for the people in my life if I were dead, for Tyler especially. He has had to take on so much since we got together, he didn’t really understand what depression was before he met me. I felt like such a burden, I still do some days. I laid awake crying next to my son. I don’t want my kids to grow up and have to be with me or even worse be like me. I still have a page I wrote in from that night.
He was due to come home the next day. He text me in the morning asking if he should have his mom pick him up from the airport. I just starred at my phone. I took too long to respond so he text me again. I didn’t want to see and yet I was dying for him to just hold me so I could cry.
“I don’t want to see you.”
“I’m stupid, you don’t like me.” My way of pushing people away.
“I love you, you’re not stupid.”
How could he still love me? I was crying again. I treated him horrible and he still can love me? I didn’t understand it. I still don’t. How can someone who absolutely hated their self find someone that loves them? I didn’t trust him, I wasn’t deserving of love. He must have been lying.
“Why do you say that?”
“Babe can you please just come pick me up? I want you there.”
I agreed, even though I wasn’t very happy with it. I couldn’t even think of a reason why I didn’t want to pick him up. I mean I was the one that created this whole mess, why am I mad at him? I also knew she was going to be there. I had no reason to be mad at her either, but I was.
Kash was so excited for his dad to come home, he couldn’t wait to see him again. As we headed to the airport I started to get anxiety. The thought of seeing him after what we just went through felt so scary. I didn’t want him to leave, I love him so much. I couldn’t stand the guilt. My hands were sweating and I started to get shaky, my usual symptoms of anxiety. We parked the car and walked in to the baggage claim area to wait for him. He text me that they were getting off the plane and I told Kash to start watching towards the escalators for his dad.
“I see him!” Kash said, not hearing me as I yelled for him to walk. As soon as I saw him I felt instant relief. He was back, I can hug him. I wanted to burst into tears, but I couldn’t. Instead I just held him for a minute. I took a deep breath and smelled him. He smelled exactly like I remembered. He was only gone for four days but when you are fighting it feels like forever.
We didn’t talk much on the way home, I just kept telling him that I was sorry, that I loved him, and that I didn’t want him to leave me again.
We had a more in depth conversation later that night. I told him that I was going to start trusting him more. He assured me with everything in his soul that he was not and would never cheat on me. He kept telling me over and over that he is not the type to stick around if he isn’t happy, he would leave if he wanted to. From that point on I got a mantra I would say whenever I was feeling not good enough.
He chooses YOU every single day.
I still say it, 7 years later. He chooses me every day. He wants to be with me. He loves me. HE LOVES ME!
To Be Continued…